There was a time when I thought control was normal
Controlling what I ate.
Controlling how I looked.
Controlling how much I could do, lift, or endure.
By the time I was ten, I “knew” that love meant being pleasing, polished, and perfectly put together.
My father’s disappointment in any unfit body or unpolished appearance wove its way into my psyche like a miswritten line of code.
In a program that runs smoothly, a single corrupted line can quietly derail everything.
You don’t see it until the system starts to glitch. Until you start to glitch.
And here was my corrupted programming:
If I could fit into a size 2 jeans, I could earn the love I needed.
I stopped listening to my body and started listening to size tags.
The mirror didn’t tell the truth.
Neither did the numbers.
What looked like discipline was a lifelong attempt to be enough. To be worthy of love.
To be so capable, so impressive, so strong that you’d be foolish not to love me.
My fuel was diesel-grade determination.
But beneath the surface was grief, shame, and a hunger no diet could fill (and exhaustion).
It took years to even realize that belief was there because I thought it was just normal. (These are our blind spots and I believe we all have them)
And it took even longer to learn that what I needed wasn’t more control (and that I really was not controlling anything anyway).
It was self-compassion...not the bumper-sticker kind, but the kind you feel in your bones.
Healing didn’t arrive all at once.
It came in quick insights and quiet moments when the clouds parted and clarity rushed in.
The real work was learning to integrate those moments... To let them begin to rewrite the faulty code.
Moments of choosing nourishment over punishment.
Moments of listening instead of criticizing.
Moments of lifting weight from a place of power and not penance.
As I moved through my own healing, I sought out tools not just for myself, but for others.
I trained through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, with a focus on the Psychology of Eating. I studied various modalities through Vital, and built a science-based foundation in metabolism, strength, and mindset with NCI.
If you’ve ever felt like you had to earn rest…
Shrink to be accepted…
Or muscle your way through healing…
I see you.
There is a way forward that is strong and soft.
A path paved with self-leadership, not self-betrayal. And bordered not by punishment, but deep compassion (it is a balance of holding yourself in fierce compassion without letting yourself off the hook).
I’m opening a few coaching spaces this season.
If you’re ready to walk the path between self-acceptance and self-evolution,
To care for your body not because it’s broken, but because it’s worthy of strength and vitality, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.

Schedule a free consultation with me today!